Thursday, April 14, 2011

Random Thoughts Again

Went for another fill on the 13th.  Lost another 5.2 so no fill again.  Which means I'm doing the weight loss thing pretty much on my own.  The band is there for when I get in trouble.

Latest stats: 
Dr Long’s Scale 251.4 (-63.6)

I now only have 9 pounds to lose and I will reach my first mini goal of getting to where I was when doing weight watchers.  I can see it… I can taste it and it scares the hell out of me.  Like I said in my last blog, I’m so used to failing that I have to learn to get those negative thoughts out of my head.  It’s hard.  I talked to a friend about those fears and how I just knew I was going to do what I always do and not complete my journey.  His response was, “Well, you already have your mind made up and can see into the future, so why bother, right? “Might as well give up now since you already know how this is going to go”. 

What?  Really?  No talking me off the ledge no encouraging me?  Really?  And then it dawned on me.  He’s right.  If I keep thinking that nothing has changed then nothing has changed.  Because the old me thinks those things and allows them to creep in on her happy thoughts and take away her good feelings.  The new me is screaming at the old me to take a hike because this new me likes the happy feelings.

The past month I have really struggled with the changes that have occurred in my life since January.  Dealing with the guilt of making me happy and putting me first and leaving a 20 year marriage because I finally had the guts to admit that I wasn’t happy anymore.  Through counseling, I am finally learning who I am and what I like and don’t like.  I am learning the expectations that have been forced on me since I was a kid and learning to break the cycle.  You don’t realize how you take those behaviors into adulthood.  I certainly didn’t.  We all have our positions in our family.  Mine was to keep low and not cause trouble.  Don’t be seen, because to be seen most often than not got your ass beat.  I learned to keep quiet and to take care of people.  And that’s what I did. 

If you ask most of my friends, they will say I am an outgoing person.  That I’m the life of the party, and to some extent I have to be the center of attention.  Some of that is true, when I’m within my safety zone.  With people whom I feel safe with.  I learned in counseling today that I am wired in such a way that I need validation and compliments.  Not necessarily a bad thing if they are coming from the right person, but can be hellish if they come from the wrong person.  Positive validation is ok, tearing someone down is not.  I haven’t had a lot of the positive so when I get it, I want more or I don’t know how to accept the compliment because I either don’t believe it or to accept it means to acknowledge something good which could be considered bragging for which we weren’t allowed to do growing up.  The craving of more compliments and always searching for the next one can wear on people’s nerves. (See last blog for an example). I wish sometimes I were like others who don’t need any outside validation at all.  I am searching for that happy medium.

Early on in counseling when I was complaining about all the crap my mom did to me as a child and how I felt she wasn’t fair and the resentments that I had, my counselor asked me if there was anything she had done for me?  And I thought for a minute and I remembered how she and my dad had helped me when Tony and I moved into our first apartment and how it had been a miserable day.  I remembered how when Tony was unemployed she had helped me again.  And while she had done some pretty mean shit to me and had forgotten my birthday on more than one occasion, why did I have to measure the myself against my brothers and sisters and how much they had gotten and I hadn’t?  It wasn’t affecting anyone but me.  No one else was worrying over it.  Not that my feelings weren’t valid, but why carry the extra baggage around.  The one thing that stuck with me from that is WHY MEASURE MYSELF AGAINST OTHERS?  That is a powerful statement.  I do that a lot.  I take inventory every time I walk into a room.

My inventory goes something like this:  am I the fattest one in the room?  Am I the ugliest?  Am I the only woman? Anyone wearing the same outfit as me? Will they like me? See where I go with that? 

I am working on not measuring myself against others.  I am me.  My friends and family love me dearly.  That love is all the positive validation I need really. 

My challenge for the next month is to stop taking inventory when I walk in the room and stop comparing myself to others and just be the best me I can.  I think that’s all anyone can ask for, right?