It has been very therapeutic to start writing again. I'm really trying to get my head back in the healthy game. I had been so on track for so long, it's kind of scary how easily I was able to go so far off the path I had chosen 4 years ago. It's humbling to know that as much as I thought I "had" this, I really didn't. I was reminded by my nurse practitioner yesterday that I need to cut myself some slack. That I truly am too hard on myself. I'm going to try to do that.
I think my downward spiral for the regain began over a year ago. When I found out I needed a hysterectomy. I had been fighting my band as well, only I didn't realize that it was a band failure and NOT a me failure so I ignored the signs and kept trying and failing and trying and failing. My lowest weight was just before the hysterectomy. After that surgery, I began gaining weight. I think it is a combination of the hormonal changes, failing band, losing my dad, dealing with my mom (the mom issues will be addressed in many other blogs).
This past Christmas, post band removal, I think I went into a depression/funk. Wait there is no think, I KNOW I did. I always do at Christmas. The past few years, I haven't been as bad because I have the love of a great man. This year however, between the weight gain and the words of my mom, I went down deep. My theme of this depression was I hate not feeling like I matter. Even though Sam makes sure I do ever single day, and I know that my family and friends love me, I allowed my mom in my head and send me down the rabbit hole. Funny how simple words can do that. Especially those of your mom. It's also just as funny how words can also snap you out of it. And simple little actions.
Who is Friz? Friz is the nickname my oldest sister Marie gave me when I was a baby. It came from the way my hair looked as a baby. I had very very fine baby soft hair. (still do, just more of it) My hair used to stand on end, so it looked Frizzy. The full nickname was actually Frizzleberry. Friz for short. In my family, I am still called Friz at times. It's usually when I need it the most.
My depression was lifted in a couple of different ways. As my future mother in law was leaving the day after Christmas, she gave me a hug and said, I really wish you were my daughter and not my daughter in law. She will never know (unless she subscribes and reads my blogs) how much that meant to me. I finally have the "Mom" I always wanted.
My niece and my sister Ann helped Sam mastermind my engagement. He planned it and brought them in on it. They totally set me up and listened to my belly aching that it didn't happen on my birthday or Christmas. The fact that they think so much of me and wanted me to have a special memory shows me that I MATTER!
Lastly, my sister Marie messaged me last night after I posted the link to my blog to encourage me on this journey and to remind me she is still my big sister and she is still there for me and is on this journey with her. She reminded me that I am strong and can do this, and when I don't think I can, all I need to do is reach out to her and she's got me.
All that is left to do now is the time to get my ass out of my head and DO IT!!!
Hi, I'm Friz and I do MATTER!!!