Another Month - No fill!!!

This blog was started on May 14th.  Sorry it's so late.

Another month without a fill.  How awesome is that?  Another 7 lbs gone this month!!!

Dr. Long’s scale 244.7 (70 lbs)

While Dr. Long’s scale reflects 70 lbs gone since I met him in January 2010.  From my heighest weight, I am 75 lbs gone.  I have hit my first goal - to lose more than I did at any time in my life.  I can’t really begin to explain how fantastic that feels.

This month has seen many changes.  Physical and emotional.   I really need to write more often because things are happening and changing so fast, I really don’t remember to capture everything.

 I continue to meet once a week with a wonderful counselor who is helping me with the emotional part of my journey.  To learn to like myself and give myself the credit I deserve for the hardwork and successes I have.  She had me take a personality test recently.  The results were very eye opening and pretty spot on to how I think and how I react to things.  One of the things it revealed is the constant need for affection and approval.  I am an approval whore and it’s one of the things I hate about myself.  I have to have constant feed back and never wait for people to give me genuine compliments which always mean more than the ones I have coaxed out of people because I had to say, see what I’ve done?  I’m really working on that.  If people ask what I’m doing, I tell them about the surgery.  I’m not ashamed that I needed the extra help.  So what if I did as long as it gets me to a healthy weight. 

Another thing I learned is that while I am a people person and love to be with people, I am a little on the shy side as well and need time to recharge my batteries because being around other people wears me out.  This would explain why I am enjoying living in my sister’s basement so much.  It’s quiet down here and I have lots of time to think and just be.  I can recharge my batteries and be ready for the next day. 

The other changes that have been happening are the physical changes.  OMG.  I have to figure out how to post my biggest loser pictures on here.  I have muscle tone now.  It’s so hard to believe that I was actually ticked off at the hotel in Memphis because their gym was inadequate.  Really? Since when did I give a hoot if there was only a treadmill?  I guess since I now have a personal trainer who kicks my butt twice a week.  Best investment I have ever made.  I never thought I would actually look forward to working out.  But I love it.  I am finally becoming the person I always wanted to be.

I have another fill appointment in two days, so I actually started this blog almost a month ago and am just now getting it posted.  I promise, I will write more after Wednesday’s appointment. 

Random Thoughts Again

Went for another fill on the 13th.  Lost another 5.2 so no fill again.  Which means I'm doing the weight loss thing pretty much on my own.  The band is there for when I get in trouble.

Latest stats: 

Dr Long’s Scale 251.4 (-63.6)

I now only have 9 pounds to lose and I will reach my first mini goal of getting to where I was when doing weight watchers.  I can see it… I can taste it and it scares the hell out of me.  Like I said in my last blog, I’m so used to failing that I have to learn to get those negative thoughts out of my head.  It’s hard.  I talked to a friend about those fears and how I just knew I was going to do what I always do and not complete my journey.  His response was, “Well, you already have your mind made up and can see into the future, so why bother, right? “Might as well give up now since you already know how this is going to go”. 

What?  Really?  No talking me off the ledge no encouraging me?  Really?  And then it dawned on me.  He’s right.  If I keep thinking that nothing has changed then nothing has changed.  Because the old me thinks those things and allows them to creep in on her happy thoughts and take away her good feelings.  The new me is screaming at the old me to take a hike because this new me likes the happy feelings.

The past month I have really struggled with the changes that have occurred in my life since January.  Dealing with the guilt of making me happy and putting me first and leaving a 20 year marriage because I finally had the guts to admit that I wasn’t happy anymore.  Through counseling, I am finally learning who I am and what I like and don’t like.  I am learning the expectations that have been forced on me since I was a kid and learning to break the cycle.  You don’t realize how you take those behaviors into adulthood.  I certainly didn’t.  We all have our positions in our family.  Mine was to keep low and not cause trouble.  Don’t be seen, because to be seen most often than not got your ass beat.  I learned to keep quiet and to take care of people.  And that’s what I did. 

If you ask most of my friends, they will say I am an outgoing person.  That I’m the life of the party, and to some extent I have to be the center of attention.  Some of that is true, when I’m within my safety zone.  With people whom I feel safe with.  I learned in counseling today that I am wired in such a way that I need validation and compliments.  Not necessarily a bad thing if they are coming from the right person, but can be hellish if they come from the wrong person.  Positive validation is ok, tearing someone down is not.  I haven’t had a lot of the positive so when I get it, I want more or I don’t know how to accept the compliment because I either don’t believe it or to accept it means to acknowledge something good which could be considered bragging for which we weren’t allowed to do growing up.  The craving of more compliments and always searching for the next one can wear on people’s nerves. (See last blog for an example). I wish sometimes I were like others who don’t need any outside validation at all.  I am searching for that happy medium.

Early on in counseling when I was complaining about all the crap my mom did to me as a child and how I felt she wasn’t fair and the resentments that I had, my counselor asked me if there was anything she had done for me?  And I thought for a minute and I remembered how she and my dad had helped me when Tony and I moved into our first apartment and how it had been a miserable day.  I remembered how when Tony was unemployed she had helped me again.  And while she had done some pretty mean shit to me and had forgotten my birthday on more than one occasion, why did I have to measure the myself against my brothers and sisters and how much they had gotten and I hadn’t?  It wasn’t affecting anyone but me.  No one else was worrying over it.  Not that my feelings weren’t valid, but why carry the extra baggage around.  The one thing that stuck with me from that is WHY MEASURE MYSELF AGAINST OTHERS?  That is a powerful statement.  I do that a lot.  I take inventory every time I walk into a room.

My inventory goes something like this:  am I the fattest one in the room?  Am I the ugliest?  Am I the only woman? Anyone wearing the same outfit as me? Will they like me? See where I go with that? 

I am working on not measuring myself against others.  I am me.  My friends and family love me dearly.  That love is all the positive validation I need really. 

My challenge for the next month is to stop taking inventory when I walk in the room and stop comparing myself to others and just be the best me I can.  I think that’s all anyone can ask for, right?

March Update

 I started this on the 10^th of March.  It’s now the 28^th and I’m finally finishing it.  Sue me… been a little busy.  I go back to Dr. Long on the 13^th of April.

3/10/11

So, I’m updating sooner than 3 months.  Finally, right?

Dr. Long’s scale yesterday – 256.6 (-58.4)

My home scale yesterday – 254 (-61)

My wii game today – 251 (-64)

So much on my mind lately.  I go in my head a lot and I’ll think of something and think, man, that’s a good blog topic.  So, I started keeping a list of topics so I can jog my memory and come back and write about it.

Tonight’s topic is a major one for me as I inch closer to my first mini-goal.  I went to see Dr. Long and Nurse Brian yesterday.  I love these guys.  They have given me my life back through the surgery.  Brian reminds me every time I go there that I’m human and I’m allowed to EAT even though I’ve had surgery.  He’ll ask me how I did this month and I’ll say, oh, I’ve had a bad day and he’ll laugh at me when I tell him my version of a bad day.  He rolls his eyes and says give me a break.  As long as it’s one day and not forever, everyone is allowed to have “those” days.

Why am I so critical of myself?  I’ve always been my own worse critic.  Goes back to that measuring thing that I am really trying to stop doing.

So tonight’s topic is:  Owning my success and not being scared to succeed.

This is huge for me.  I am now about 10-12 pounds away from hitting my lowest weight from when I was doing weight watchers (depends on the scale I’m on as to how many pounds.).  I’ve set my 1^st goal at 242.2.  That’s the lowest I ever weighed during my weight watcher years.  I had done so well and thought I had the food thing under control.  I was so excited.  I was fitting into sexy clothes and felt better than I had in a long time.  I mean to lose 72.2 pounds is huge.  That’s the equivalent of losing a 3^rd grader.  Go lift a 3^rd grader (get permission first) and see how hard that is to carry around.  I carried that with me every single day. 

I think the biggest difference this time as opposed to the weight watcher years is that I’m quieter about it.  I’m actually afraid to talk about my success too much because the last time I was obsessed with each little change in my appearance and body and all I talked about was points and weight loss.  I got on everyone’s nerves.  Friends and husband.  I had become addicted to it.  So this time, I celebrate a little more quietly and try to consider whom my audience is when I talk about it.  The first time, I alienated my friends and family because I didn’t know how to handle success.  Don’t get me wrong, however.  If someone asks have I lost weight, I say yes.  If they asked me how I did it, I’m honest and say surgery.  If they want to know more, I tell them, but I wait for them to ask me.  I also don’t try to push my ideas about food and weight loss on others.  They know I’m here and what I’ve done and am doing.  If they want help, or information, I’d be more than happy to talk about it.  But I think I’ll wait to be asked this time around instead of volunteering the information.  Not everyone cares what I have to say J 

In our family, it was expected you did a job well because it was your job and that’s what you do.  You don’t do it because you think you’ll get rewarded or pats on the back.  So in our family, if you were successful, it wasn’t celebrated.  We weren’t paid to get good grades, we were expected to do it or we got punished.  We were paid an allowance for chores, but once we started earning our own money, we bought our own things.  For example, if we wanted more than basic jeans or shoes, we paid for them.  So, I’ve never been good at patting myself on the back or rewarding myself for a job well done.  That was considered bragging and we didn’t do that.

So as I became successful in my weight loss, I also became scared.  I remember my weight watcher leader saying to me and another woman that we both were so close to the 75 lb mark, that she had ordered our certificates.  She knew we would reach that goal.  Just knew it.  Shortly thereafter, I hit my plateau and started the slide back down the hill I had just climbed.  It was like I hit a mental block.  Friends were sick of hearing it, husband was sick of hearing it.  I’ve put the blame on a talk I had with Tony back then, when he told me our friends were complaining to him that all I ever talk about is my weight loss.  But in hind site and in all honesty, I have to accept part of that blame.  I did it to myself. 

So, as I inch closer to my first mini goal, I’m scared.  I’m afraid of hitting that mark and pushing past it.  I’m safe where I am.  And for those who know me well, safety is a huge thing for me.  I’m trying not to focus on the past failures, but looking for the new successes.  I’m trying to remain positive.  Failure is really not an option for me since I have band.  When I overeat, I hurt.  And when I hurt, I hurt badly.

I do want to succeed this time.  I want to be able to look back and remember where I came from and the journey I took to get to my goal.  I’m fitting into clothes that I haven’t worn in years.  I’m back into the weight watcher clothes that have been in my closet and under my bed waiting for me to rescue them.  Some of them are even getting too big already which is the best feeling in the world.

If you have topic suggestions, feel free to email them to me.

More soon, I promise.  The ride is just getting fun J

Long over due...

 Wow… has it really been since December 10^th that I last wrote.  Damn where the heck did 3 months go?  So much has happened since I put the words in my head to “paper”. So much.  I really don’t know where the heck to start so I’ll just jump right in.

In the last year I have made three major decisions.  One was the decision that I wasn’t a happy person and come hell or high water, I was going to start finding out what would make me happy and take the steps necessary to find happiness, tackle it, tie it up and keep it with me.  Two, I hated the way I looked and how much weight I had gained that I was going to finally do something about it, either on my own or with the assistance of surgery.  And last as part of finding my happiness, I realized that after 20 (almost 21 years of marriage) that was one of the things making me unhappy so I decided to separate.  That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  That was on January 14^th. 

I can’t say that I won’t discuss what happened in some of my writings as time goes on because I was literally married for half of my life.  Being married was who I was, and helped mold me into who I am, at least partly.  For those of you who are friends with Tony, some of what I write may not be easy for you to read.  I’m not trying to tarnish him in your eyes and he’s not a bad person, but some of what I went through married is why I have some of the issues that I write about in my blogs. That’s life.   I am in counseling now and working on some of the problems and resentments I have carried with me all these years.

I’m not ready to discuss that on this posting, but just wanted to warn everyone.

On the weight loss front:

OMFG… I’m having fun and remember why I did weight watchers 6 years ago. 

Highest weight recorded: 315

Highest at Dr. Long’s:  312

Feb 9^th weigh in at Dr Long’s:  260

Scale at home is saying: 257

Total lost from highest to now:  58 lbs

I go back to Dr Long’s on March 9^th.  I haven’t done as well this month as I did last month.  I can feel it.  Last month I had lost 9 lbs.  That’s not expected with lap band surgery.  But I’m not complaining.

I am beyond excited.  I only have another 15 or so to go and I’ll be at my lowest weight ever.  Look out world.  I say that but don’t believe.  Because the more I lose the weight and am happy for it, the more scared I get because I’m losing the me I’ve always known. 

I don’t know how to be thin.  I know that sounds so weird, but I really don’t.  I was a normal size girl up until about the 4^th/5^th grade.  Around that time, I started to develop and never seemed to stop.  I got boobs early.  And not just your usual training bra type but I got adult size boobs on a 6^th grade girl.  That draws a lot of attention from pre-pubescent boys.  I became self conscious about them and the attention they brought and would eat to escape.  And I eventually learned to use my boobs as a way to get attention (remember bad attention is still attention).  And I learned to use my fat as a security blanket.  I could make jokes about it.  As long as I was joking about it first, than others couldn’t say something mean and hurt my feelings, right?  I’ve pretty much spent most of my life in a plus sized body.  As I keep getting smaller, I don’t have that fat to hide behind anymore.

Through counseling I’m learning not to measure myself against other people.  That is very hard to do in this society.  We’re taught at a young age if you’re not thin enough, or pretty enough, or popular enough, you aren’t good enough.  How horrible is it that we teach children to believe in that?  How much pressure does it put on your children and then how much damage does it do as those children become adults?  Me, I always thought of myself as the ugly one in the family.  I had my sister Marie who was tiny and could sing and had great legs and was beautiful.  I had Ann who was tiny, beautiful and all the boys adored her.  Then, there was me.  The chunky one.  The one no one seemed to notice.  Except for how big I was.  That’s how I saw things growing up.  I was always bigger than them; I was never pretty like them.  Remember, this is how I saw myself.  No one ever said that to me, but it’s what has gotten in my head and is taking a long time getting out.  When you don’t feel like you amount to much, you learn other ways to compensate.  I learned how to be funny.  I learned how to cook.  I’m an awesome cook.  I learned how to be a people pleaser.  If I kept everyone around me happy, then they would like me right?  Right?  I mean they would have to like me because I did everything they wanted and I took care of their every wish.  Umm…We’ll explore that more in the next post.

Catching up...

Wow… I know I said I would blog more and honestly, I have blogged a thousand times in my head.  It’s finding the time to put it “on paper” that seems to be the issue. 

Since last we were together …

I made it through Thanksgiving and a week a travel and managed to lose 7 lbs.  I am excited about that.  It’s weird.  I know I’m still big but I am shrinking.  Noticeably shrinking and it feels awesome.  I don’t think about food like I did before.  It’s not my main focus and I really am enjoying that aspect of life. It’s going to be a long journey I know, as there are days when I want to eat like there’s no tomorrow.  Let’s explore that, shall we?

So, on Thanksgiving, I knew that I would never be able to stick to my 1200 calorie limit and accepted and allowed myself the pleasure of eating and forgiving and I would be better the next day.  It was going to be OK.  So we get up in the morning and start the cooking.  I planned ahead and bought a yogurt to eat in the morning.  I didn’t nibble as much during the day as we cooked and when the time came to finally feast on all the yumminess we had fixed, I was starving.  So, the old me kicked in and I fixed one huge plate, like I always do.  In the back of my head was the little voice saying, you dummy, you had surgery and will never eat all that so STOP IT… Me being of sound mind, promptly ignored the little voice and kept going.  Well, little voice was right and I got about ½ through the meal and started to feel full.  But again, I ignore the little voice telling me to stop eating and keep going (see the pattern here?).  I got maybe 3 more bites in and realize, crap, I hurt.  So this must be what they warned me about that 1 bite could be over the limit and make me miserable.  I really must start listening to that damn little voice.  I ended up giving the remaining portion of my meal to the dog, who was happy as could be and I sat around most of the afternoon in pain.  I didn’t eat anything again that day until we were one our way to Charlotte.  I had a little snack and then ate a grilled cheese sandwich around midnight.

The rest of the weekend, I listened to the little voice and pushed away from the table when I was full. 

The next week brought me to Houston.  I was proud of myself for going to the gym at least once while I was away (exercise will be another blog).  I made the healthiest choices I could while on travel.  Sad news reached me while I was in Houston that my Uncle Charlie had been admitted to the hospital and wasn’t expected to make it.  I was so very torn.  I wanted to try to get home to say goodbye but was in a class work had paid for.  Even if I had tried, I wouldn’t have been able to make it home.  His body simply gave out and he was gone.  The news really hit me hard because it was a reminder that my Daddy is really pushing the limits and won’t be around forever.  The realist in me knows that Daddies don’t live forever, but the little girl in me says, YES THEY DO…

So from Houston, I came home for a day and then left for a couple days in New Jersey and Pennsylvania.  I was happy to be there to support my Aunt Maggie and Cousins, Robin and Ruth.  It was good medicine to be there with them and to lend a supporting shoulder but at the same time, be the baby cousin again.  Funny how time has changed me and how much more I love to observe people more and more.

I mean this in a good way.  Every family has their dysfunctions.  That’s human nature.  I’ve always wondered about the dynamics in other branches of our family.  Spending time with my cousins and talking made me realize our two branches weren’t that different.  It is somehow comforting to know.  It was so neat to see my sister Marie and cousin Robin reminiscing about their childhoods.  They have memories of my daddy and uncles and Gram that I’ll never have.  They reminded me that we did have a lot of good times in this family even though we have had our own tragedies as well.  They reminded me that we come from a long line of strong women.  That in itself made my spine a little stronger and pushed me to keep reaching for my goals.

So, here’s what I’ve accomplished since the last blog in November.

Highest recorded weight was 315

Highest recorded weight at Dr. Long’s office was 312

Recorded weight this week at home (that’s 1^st thing in the morning and naked) was 267

Recorded weight at Dr Long’s (with clothes and after lunch) 269.

Difference at home 48 lbs

Difference at Dr’s 43 lbs.

I like those numbers.  I will really begin to celebrate after I hit the 73 lbs mark.  That will mean I am losing new weight.  Not weight that I lost and regained only to have to lose again.  I celebrated this week by wearing clothes I haven’t worn in two years.  I LOVE IT!!!

Miscellaneous thoughts

I have so much in my head that I want to write about and I want to say about my journey…

About the cause of why I got so heavy (well, duh, I love food) but I also used food as my drug of choice.   About everything that’s ever happened to me.  It’s not all about weight loss for me in this blog.  It’s about writing down things that have bothered me, or hurt me, this is my chance to get it out and maybe just maybe let go of past hurts.

I wasn’t always fat.  Up until about the 5^th or 6^th grade, I was average.  Maybe a little thick but not like I am now and not like I see kids around that age now.  I hate to see young children who have belly rolls at such a young age.  It breaks my heart because I know the pain they are going to feel  as they get older and are limited because of their size.   I feel for them because they won’t try new things and some, not all will be social outcasts.  The stronger ones will not let anything stop them.  The weaker ones will become prey to bullies, be discriminated against and will lead sad lives – always doubting themselves and never trying new things or even daring to dream that they can be happy.

 I have been very lucky.  Other than the incident at Busch Gardens I haven’t really been limited or afraid to try things.  I am very grateful for the way God proportioned my flab.  I wasn’t big in just the belly and I wasn’t exactly round.  I had curves and when I lost enough, I had an hour glass figure.  My sister told me the other day she’s always been jealous of my body shape.  Are you kidding me?  I always wanted to be her because even when she was heavy she had the best legs around.  Not the thunder thighs I’ve been strapped with.  I was also blessed with a decent looking face and pretty eyes, not to mention big boobs.  Although I’m not sure if big boobs are a blessing or a curse.  I guess it depends on who you ask.  When you’re younger and the boys make comments (and starting in 6^th grade there were comments) then they are a curse.  When you get older and realize how powerful they are, you learn to use them to your advantage and they are a blessing J

I really don’t remember being discriminated against either for my size.  I had only one incident in Ocean City where I really wanted to just die.  Tony and I were getting on the TRAM and it was really crowded.  The people in his row moved over for him to fit.  The woman in my row wouldn’t even look at me.  She turned her back to me and put her purse by her side so I didn’t have enough room to really sit.  I hung off the side of the TRAM the entire ride.  I was devastated.  I was a lot younger then.  Now if that were to happen, I’d probably say something and push my way on.  Back then I didn’t have the confidence to do that.  That one incident though has created my fear of sitting next to people on public transportation or in doctor’s offices and things like that.  Sounds silly, doesn’t it?  But, I will not sit next to anyone on Metro or buses if they are there first.  If the seat is empty and I sit there and then someone chooses to sit next to me than fine.  But if someone is already there, I won’t take an empty seat.  I will stand.  There’s nothing like that look of fear when they see a larger person enter.  Talk about deer in the headlights.  Yo people, being fat and large is NOT a contagious disease.  Get a grip.  Us brushing against you will NOT make our fat rub off on you.  I promise.

My first fill - Status update

I had my first band fill this week.  I was very nervous about it. But, I've recently made contact with an old friend who has had the band for 3 years and with his help and advice, calmed myself down.  It wasn't so bad.  I didn't feel the needle at all (good thing) but did feel the nurse removing the air and then putting the saline solution in.  That is a very weird feeling for sure.  I did have pain at the puncture site, but for the most part it went well.

What I wasn't so happy about is that I hit a plateau weight loss wise.  The doctor did warn me but it still ticked me off.  It just means I have to buckle down and exercise more. 

So my stats so far, I am down to 277.8 by the doctors scale and 274.8 by my scale.  (I like mine better) So I'm hovering around 40 lbs gone so far.  I took my measurements and I'm down over 6 inches all over.  I'll take that for sure.

So, more exercise and less food.  I can and will do this.