In the last year I have made three major decisions. One was the decision that I wasn’t a happy person and come hell or high water, I was going to start finding out what would make me happy and take the steps necessary to find happiness, tackle it, tie it up and keep it with me. Two, I hated the way I looked and how much weight I had gained that I was going to finally do something about it, either on my own or with the assistance of surgery. And last as part of finding my happiness, I realized that after 20 (almost 21 years of marriage) that was one of the things making me unhappy so I decided to separate. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. That was on January 14th.
I can’t say that I won’t discuss what happened in some of my writings as time goes on because I was literally married for half of my life. Being married was who I was, and helped mold me into who I am, at least partly. For those of you who are friends with Tony, some of what I write may not be easy for you to read. I’m not trying to tarnish him in your eyes and he’s not a bad person, but some of what I went through married is why I have some of the issues that I write about in my blogs. That’s life. I am in counseling now and working on some of the problems and resentments I have carried with me all these years.
I’m not ready to discuss that on this posting, but just wanted to warn everyone.
On the weight loss front:
OMFG… I’m having fun and remember why I did weight watchers 6 years ago.
Highest weight recorded: 315
Highest at Dr. Long’s: 312
Feb 9th weigh in at Dr Long’s: 260
Scale at home is saying: 257
Total lost from highest to now: 58 lbs
I go back to Dr Long’s on March 9th. I haven’t done as well this month as I did last month. I can feel it. Last month I had lost 9 lbs. That’s not expected with lap band surgery. But I’m not complaining.
I am beyond excited. I only have another 15 or so to go and I’ll be at my lowest weight ever. Look out world. I say that but don’t believe. Because the more I lose the weight and am happy for it, the more scared I get because I’m losing the me I’ve always known.
I don’t know how to be thin. I know that sounds so weird, but I really don’t. I was a normal size girl up until about the 4th/5th grade. Around that time, I started to develop and never seemed to stop. I got boobs early. And not just your usual training bra type but I got adult size boobs on a 6th grade girl. That draws a lot of attention from pre-pubescent boys. I became self conscious about them and the attention they brought and would eat to escape. And I eventually learned to use my boobs as a way to get attention (remember bad attention is still attention). And I learned to use my fat as a security blanket. I could make jokes about it. As long as I was joking about it first, than others couldn’t say something mean and hurt my feelings, right? I’ve pretty much spent most of my life in a plus sized body. As I keep getting smaller, I don’t have that fat to hide behind anymore.
Through counseling I’m learning not to measure myself against other people. That is very hard to do in this society. We’re taught at a young age if you’re not thin enough, or pretty enough, or popular enough, you aren’t good enough. How horrible is it that we teach children to believe in that? How much pressure does it put on your children and then how much damage does it do as those children become adults? Me, I always thought of myself as the ugly one in the family. I had my sister Marie who was tiny and could sing and had great legs and was beautiful. I had Ann who was tiny, beautiful and all the boys adored her. Then, there was me. The chunky one. The one no one seemed to notice. Except for how big I was. That’s how I saw things growing up. I was always bigger than them; I was never pretty like them. Remember, this is how I saw myself. No one ever said that to me, but it’s what has gotten in my head and is taking a long time getting out. When you don’t feel like you amount to much, you learn other ways to compensate. I learned how to be funny. I learned how to cook. I’m an awesome cook. I learned how to be a people pleaser. If I kept everyone around me happy, then they would like me right? Right? I mean they would have to like me because I did everything they wanted and I took care of their every wish. Umm…We’ll explore that more in the next post.