Wow – where have I been since last April? I knew it had been a long time, but not THAT long. Sorry everyone.
Let’s see where do I begin? My latest stats? Sure. My last weight in with Dr. Long was in November. I am now 1 full year post surgery. I weighed in at 230 lbs. That is 85 lbs down from my heaviest. I am in awe sometimes when I look in the mirror or look at old pictures. I am really doing this. I will admit I have been struggling lately because let’s face it. I friggin love food and I am an awesome cook. I have come the realization that I am addicted to food. It is my drug. I have also been stressing a lot lately which does not help me at all. So much has changed that it sometimes becomes so overwhelming that I can’t breathe.
I think for this blog, I will go back and cover a few things each month. It may get a little long and I don’t expect everyone to read through this but it will get me back on track and hopefully updating a little more often. It really does help when I write some of this stuff out. To give you an insight to how I “work” a lot of what I write here are the thoughts that swirl through my head 24x7. Until I put it on paper or talk to someone about it, I can’t let these things go. When I can’t let things go, I get overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down and retreat to my room or “the cave” as I call my sister’s basement where I live. I do this until I can get things settled again. I have learned over the course of the last year, I am way more OCD than I knew. And more than I want to admit, I feel safer when things follow plans and structure. When I am not in my comfort zone and following patterns I get overwhelmed and well, you see the pattern? It’s a vicious cycle. One I am really not fond of, but since I can recognize it, the self-destructive overwhelming spells don’t last as long as they used to. So that’s progress, right?
Ok, so let me catch you guys up. Some of what I will write will not sit well with some of you in how I portray Tony. If you are friends with both of us, please keep in mind there are three sides to every story. Mine, his and the truth. What I am writing is how I felt or how I saw things. If you don’t want to know about that part of our marriage or its affects on me, than stop reading here and pick up with the next blogs. No harm no foul.
Spring/Summer of 2011 – I think Tony is finally getting the picture that I am not going to reconcile and that this will be a permanent separation that will lead to divorce. I am beginning to feel better about myself and no longer have to fill each and every minute of the day with something to do. Because I never felt like I had freedom to do things during my marriage, I didn’t know how to react when I suddenly have control over every aspect of my life. I have been a nervous wreck when I suddenly have free time. I have been filling each and every weekend because for the longest time, I felt like I had to make the most of any free time so I would cram as much fun into that little window that I never really enjoyed myself because I was exhausted. I have learned that I must have been sleep deprived because I have been sleeping and sleeping like I can’t get enough. It is refreshing to actually get the rest my body has been craving.
During this time I have also come to the realization that some friendships haven’t been healthy and I have pulled away from another person who I thought was one of my best friends. I discovered that this person lied to me and really didn’t have my best interests at heart. It would take me another 3-4 months to finally really let go of this person. I miss them from time to time, but during this summer I would learn to stand up for myself and love myself enough that holding onto unhealthy relationships for fear of being alone doesn’t make sense.
Memorial Day weekend I spend it at Goosebay with my best friend Susan. It will be one of the first times I don’t have strings and can pretty much just be me. It was an awesome weekend. I learned a lot about myself that weekend. Some, I can share; others are better left in my head. The main thing I learned is that I don’t need the attention that I always thought I did and had craved for so long through losing weight. Don’t get me wrong. Hearing the compliments is awesome and I need them as they motivate me, but getting it sometimes feels uncomfortable now. I don’t want to be perceived as bragging about my successes and that I think I am now better than anyone else. At the same time I am so proud of what I have accomplished and want to shout it from the rooftops. It’s a double-edged sword for sure.
Another lesson learned that weekend is that it’s ok to say no and just because I am single, doesn’t mean I have to take the first offer that comes along. I did that before and it took me 20 years to un-do what I had done. Don’t get me wrong. At one time I did love Tony but I wasn’t happy for a long time and many times wish I had waited to get married when I was older. Ok, back to Memorial Day. I met a guy at the Goosebay dance. Nice enough man, but typical of some of the southern Maryland guys. Didn’t listen to me when I said I wasn’t ready to settle down with just one person. That I wanted to explore for a while, but wanted to date. I enjoyed his attention and liked talking to him every night before bed, but when the red flags of you should do this and you need to do this and what were you doing started to show, I didn’t just think they would go away and I could change him. Instead, I stood up to myself and accepted that maybe I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and needed to slow the roll. It took me until 4th of July to do it, but I did it. That’s the first time in my life I’ve done that!
This is getting long. I’m going to end this one here and then start a new post that picks up with 4th of July.