Miscellaneous Story - 1

My promise to get better and blog more often has been swallowed by the time I spend working and trying to be everything to everyone… I know, how’s that working for me? Well, it’s not.

My first post-op appointment was amazing.  According to the doctor’s “official” scale I weighed 277.  Which is ok, considering I was wearing jeans and all and when I weigh in at home, I’m naked.  It’s still a good number.

During this appointment, he released me to go ahead and eat soft foods.  I have never been so happy in my life as to be able to actually eat something besides liquid protein shakes and broth.  He said not to worry about calories right now while I heal.  After my first fill he’ll start being stricter.  As many of you know because I posted it on face book, you do NOT tell a fat girl to not worry about calories.  EVER!!!  That’s how I got here in the first place, right? Not worrying about calories.  And he told me to be prepared because the scale may go up a pound or two because I’ll be eating again.  I don’t like that thought.  I want to go down not up.  WTH?  I have gained a couple pounds but am holding steady at 276.4 on my nekkid scale.

Now that the time change is upon us, getting exercise is going to be hard.  I know I need to move more.  I feel horrible when I don’t.  But trying to find the time for me becomes so hard during the day at work and then when I get home, I’m tired and it’s dark and there’s more work and stuff to do.  I really really need to focus more.  I want this to be successful more than anything right now.  I can’t go back to the old me. 

So, as I mentioned on face book the other day, I want to celebrate the little things right now.  My little accomplishments, like fitting into clothes that have been hanging around waiting for me to lose weight.  That’s the best feeling.  Plus I got to go ride go-carts.  I haven’t been in a go-kart in probably 25+ years.  I had a blast.  I’ve been afraid to try ever since I had my “life’s most embarrassing moment” at Busch Gardens about 7-8 years ago.  I’ve been too afraid.  What happened you ask?  Well…

Tony and I went with another couple to Busch Gardens Williamsburg.  We had free tickets, thank God.  I love roller coasters and really was looking forward to riding a few rides.  It was hot as blazes.  We go to Chariots’ Fire and they are nice enough to have a seat on the outside of the line so you can see if you’ll fit before waiting in line.  I tried, I didn’t fit and I moved on.  So we went on a couple other rides and made our way over to the Alpinegiest ride.  Our friends tell us I will definitely fit on this one because they have a lane designated for larger people with bigger chests.  We wait about an hour in line and I’m so excited.  We get in the specially designated line and as we approach they fail to tell me I need to be on the inside seats.  I get in the row first and try to squeeze me into the ride and I don’t fit.  I try again and nope, not happening.  I was humiliated.  That’s when I hit rock bottom.  I panic and run off the ride in horror.  Tony and my friends go on the ride.  At that moment I have never felt so alone in my life.  I had become in my mind the fat lady at the circus.  And I didn’t like it. But I continued to eat.

A few months later, Tony’s cousin died and we had to go to the funeral.  I went to the closet to my go to black dresses that always fit.  I wait until the day before the viewing to try them on and they don’t fit.  I was horrified.  Now what?  I had to go to Fashion Bug and buy new clothes; only I was almost too big for Fashion Bug’s largest size.  How could I have let myself go so much?  I had just joined weight watchers and vowed I would lose the weight.  I would be one of those ladies in their magazine and I would show the world that I was not the fat lady in the circus any more…