Thursday, November 18, 2010

Miscellaneous thoughts

I have so much in my head that I want to write about and I want to say about my journey…
About the cause of why I got so heavy (well, duh, I love food) but I also used food as my drug of choice.   About everything that’s ever happened to me.  It’s not all about weight loss for me in this blog.  It’s about writing down things that have bothered me, or hurt me, this is my chance to get it out and maybe just maybe let go of past hurts.
I wasn’t always fat.  Up until about the 5th or 6th grade, I was average.  Maybe a little thick but not like I am now and not like I see kids around that age now.  I hate to see young children who have belly rolls at such a young age.  It breaks my heart because I know the pain they are going to feel  as they get older and are limited because of their size.   I feel for them because they won’t try new things and some, not all will be social outcasts.  The stronger ones will not let anything stop them.  The weaker ones will become prey to bullies, be discriminated against and will lead sad lives – always doubting themselves and never trying new things or even daring to dream that they can be happy.
 I have been very lucky.  Other than the incident at Busch Gardens I haven’t really been limited or afraid to try things.  I am very grateful for the way God proportioned my flab.  I wasn’t big in just the belly and I wasn’t exactly round.  I had curves and when I lost enough, I had an hour glass figure.  My sister told me the other day she’s always been jealous of my body shape.  Are you kidding me?  I always wanted to be her because even when she was heavy she had the best legs around.  Not the thunder thighs I’ve been strapped with.  I was also blessed with a decent looking face and pretty eyes, not to mention big boobs.  Although I’m not sure if big boobs are a blessing or a curse.  I guess it depends on who you ask.  When you’re younger and the boys make comments (and starting in 6th grade there were comments) then they are a curse.  When you get older and realize how powerful they are, you learn to use them to your advantage and they are a blessing J
I really don’t remember being discriminated against either for my size.  I had only one incident in Ocean City where I really wanted to just die.  Tony and I were getting on the TRAM and it was really crowded.  The people in his row moved over for him to fit.  The woman in my row wouldn’t even look at me.  She turned her back to me and put her purse by her side so I didn’t have enough room to really sit.  I hung off the side of the TRAM the entire ride.  I was devastated.  I was a lot younger then.  Now if that were to happen, I’d probably say something and push my way on.  Back then I didn’t have the confidence to do that.  That one incident though has created my fear of sitting next to people on public transportation or in doctor’s offices and things like that.  Sounds silly, doesn’t it?  But, I will not sit next to anyone on Metro or buses if they are there first.  If the seat is empty and I sit there and then someone chooses to sit next to me than fine.  But if someone is already there, I won’t take an empty seat.  I will stand.  There’s nothing like that look of fear when they see a larger person enter.  Talk about deer in the headlights.  Yo people, being fat and large is NOT a contagious disease.  Get a grip.  Us brushing against you will NOT make our fat rub off on you.  I promise.

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